baby steps.

today, a power walk changed my life around.  ok, maybe that's a little bit of an exageration but it certainly changed my day around.

for months now, i've been telling myself that i need to exercise.  i wanted to start jogging but never went.  i wanted to start bikram yoga but never went.  i haven't even been doing the little, at-home yoga sessions that i generally do.  and the more i didn't exercise, the more i felt... lazy and flabby and weak and gross and guilty and disappointed in myself.  and then this fear grew... this fear of having to exercise but not wanting to... "oh my god, i'm gonna hate it, i'm gonna hate it!!!"...  this fear that just maybe i was never going to be able to muster up the discipline/motivation/whatever it takes to make myself exercise ever again.  that everybody who exercises has something that i don't have... and the more i didn't do it, the more rotten i felt about it (and by "it", what i really mean here is "me").

all day today, i was in a phunk (and by "phunk", what i really mean is that i had all but lost my will to live)... PMS, winter blues, blah, blah, gross.  but tonight, though my mind kept fighting it ("don't do it", "stay inside where it's warm"), i put my big galoshers and my parka on and i actually went out for a power walk.  i realize that, when it comes to exercising, i really couldn't have asked less of myself (it's walking for crissakes) but that's not the point.  the point is: i did SOMETHING!  it's a very tiny something... but maybe it's a start.  truth be told, i power walked to the tanning salon and back.  i know that the tanning salon is terribe but have you seen what it's like outside?  it's bringing me down in a big ol' way.  i had to fight fire with fire!  i had to.

so, i'm not sure if it's the walk itself, or just the fact that i'm proud of myself for doing something other than hiding in my apartment or going out to rent yet another DVD but i felt better.  a lot better.  and i'm out of the phunk. 

a couple of things were helpful... the first is something one of my clients said to me about not waiting until you feel like exercising because most people never feel like exercising. she said you just do it.  you don't even think about how you feel about it, you just do it.  like brushing your teeth.  so, after my last appointment today, i tried not to think about it and i put on my gear and i left.  quickly, before i could change my mind.

the other helpful thing was something my friend, kristy, and i had talked about a long time ago about making goals attainable.  jogging and bikram, for whatever reason, are not attainable for me  right now.  so instead of telling myself that if my friends can do it, i should be able to do it too, i thought: "what is attainable?  what is going freak me out the least?  what is one thing i can handle?", and walking was the answer.  "i know i can at least walk", "that's not too much to ask".  so that's what i did.
 
and tonight, on FB, a friend posted this:
"i've never begun any important venture for which i felt adequately prepared" - sheldon kopp
... and i thought to myself: "oh sheldon, whoever you are, i know exactly what you mean".