just, one day.

i started crossfit bootcamp classes last week.  there are so many reasons why this is shocking and awesome and insane that i don't even know where to begin.

i've mentioned this before but... for (at least) the past 6 months, my number one goal and wish for myself has been to get fit/start exercising regularly.  and despite talking about it, and writing about it, and making it my #1 goal in my goals group, i hadn't really outdone myself in that department.  i'd started walking more and, very occasionally, going to the gym.  but it all still felt sporadic and very non-commital on my part.

fast forward to a week and a half ago, when i walked up the mountain with my friend, lise, for the first time.  if you're not familiar with montreal, there's a mountain in the middle of the city.  in the summer, it's grassy, tree-y, lush, green and beautiful.  and there are lots of trails going up it.  to be honest, the trails are new to me, since i'd only ever driven up on the road part of it.  but in the last week and a half, i've quickly grown extremely fond of the trails.  at any rate, last monday evening, lise and i were walking up the mountain again and we passed by a group of about 15 people who were all exercising together.  i don't know why but i had a bit of a revelation and i said to lise: "that's what we should do!".  so i stopped and asked the person in charge how we could join.

fast forward some more to last thursday evening and to my first crossfit bootcamp class.  i am by far the worst in the class.  it's hard as hell.  harder than any exercise class i've ever done in my life.  i'm out of breath.  my heart feels like it's going to thump its way right out of my chest.  my legs and arms want to buckle under me.  but i do it.  as best as i can.  as does lise.

and, on the days that follow, every muscle in my body aches.  and i walk around going: "ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch".  but it's a good kind of pain.

and i want to write about it here but i'm scared of jinxing myself.

and, on the weekend, i buy myself a couple of sports tanktops.

and i go back again tonight.  in the rain.  with lise.  and do another class.

and, again, i'm the worst in the class.  but i don't care.  because...  i'm doing it.  and this is about me.  and my goal.  not about anybody else.  and i'm proud of myself.  to be honest, i'm really stinkin' proud of myself.  for not giving a hoot about being the worst.  and for joining a group that is so clearly out of my league that it's laughable.

and on our way home tonight, lise and i talk about how strange it is that, of all the classes i could have joined, i chose the hardest one.  i don't know why that is.  probably partly because it's outdoors.  and definitely because lise is doing it too.  and the trainers are tough but also kind and encouraging.  and the people in the class are kind and encouraging.  and maybe also because being so very far out of my comfort zone feels exciting.  and makes me hopeful for all the possibilities that could lie ahead.

but this whole process is fascinating to me.  because for months.  so.  many.  months.  i wanted this to happen.  so very much.  i wanted to do it.   but i didn't.  not really.  not enough for me to know and feel like i was really doing it.  but now.   now i feel like it's happening.  really, for real.  and isn't that just the way?!  you try your very best to take steps in the direction that feels right to you.  baby steps.  and, on most days, nothing substantial happens.  and you feel mediocre.  or you feel confused.  and you wonder if the steps even matter.  but you try to keep the faith.  to remain hopeful and positive.  even though, on some days, you feel very far from hopeful and positive.  and then.  one day.  just, one day.  out of the blue.  it happens.  your steps add up.  and you can hardly stinkin' believe it.  and you're like: "what the hell?!", "why didn't this happen months ago?".  and there you are.  that much closer to being exactly where you want to be.  and that much closer to who you want to be.

fascinating.

i don't know if you clicked on the link in the post below but it leads to a video in which liz gilbert talks about being "a pioneer of continuing on", and how that's what makes the difference between someone who succeeds and someone who doesn't.  not talent or luck.  just keeping at it.  i want to be that.  i want to be a pioneer of continuing on with this.  right now, that is my biggest hope for myself.

* if you're interested in joining the group, you can sign up for training mobs.  i had never heard of  this site until last week but it's basically like a facebook for people who want to exercise with other people.  this week, there was an interesting article in the montreal gazette on it/them, which you can read here.  

it's free to join and the site gives you a list of a whole bunch of different groups and activities happening in the coming week.  i do "spartan bootcamp" and "hit squad".  it's $10 a class and we meet at the statue at the base of the mountain.  the next class is this wedneday at 6:30pm.  lise and i will be there.  if you're scared or worried about it being too tough, i swear on my own head that you will not be worse than me.